relationships are all about communicating and having meaningful conversations…
great summary of John Powell’s book, Why am I
Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, at: http://www.nvcc.edu/home/npeck/Handouts/communicationlevels.htm, describing 5 levels of communication: phatic, factual, evaluative,
gut-level, and peak
25 guidelines for good communication
excerpt from “Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?” by John Powell
Assumptions and Attitudes Necessary for Good Communication
- We must be committed to communication.
- We must be convinced that we are a gift to be given, and that through their self-disclosure to others are a gift offered to us.
- We must be determined to be honest with ourselves.
Guidelines for the Successful Practice of Sharing Oneself (Speaking)
- In sharing ourselves with others, we must always take full responsibility for our own actions and reactions. As a consequence of this, we will make “I statements,” not “You statements.”
- We must speak only for ourselves. In communicating I should make it clear that I am speaking only my truth, and not the truth.
- We must share all our significant feelings with those to whom we are relating.
- We must be courageous enough to share our personal vulnerability with one another.
- We should express gratitude to our listeners.
Guidelines for the Successful Practice of Sharing of Another (Listening)
- We should be “present” and “available” to others who offer to share themselves with us.
- We should accept others wherever they are.
- We must listen attentively to learn the “inner consistency” of others.
- We must not indulge in mind reading by judging the intentions and motives of others.
- We should register empathic and reassuring reactions to others when they are sharing themselves with us.
- We should clarify the message that is being delivered, trying always to understand accurately the meaning of others.
- In the role of listener we should offer only suggestions and never directions.
- As listeners we should avoid all blocks to communication.
- We should explicitly thank those who have shared themselves with us.
General Practices that Promote Good Interpersonal Communication
- Good communication requires that the communicators spend special or quality time together.
- Touching is an important form of communication.
- To become more effective communicators we must “stretch” beyond our “comfort zones.”
- We must be ready to apologize when an apology is appropriate and helpful.
- We must avoid a buildup of tension.
- At times of crises in communication we will need to use special approaches.
- Whether speaking or listening, the motive of the good communicator must always be love.
- We must pray for the enlightenment and the courage to communicate well.
9 myths about intimacy
from THE INTIMACY FACTOR by David & Jan Stoop
- Intimacy is being able to read each other’s mind
- Sex is intimacy and intimacy is sex
- Intimacy will grow automatically once it’s started
- Love and behavior are not related
- People who love each other can accept constructive criticism
- Someone either loves me or not- and that’s that
- Knowing everything about the other person is an essential part of intimacy
- Romantic love is essential for intimacy
- The relationship can grow only when we feel good about each other