messy risky vacationing
went 4-wheeling on Thursday, and wound up taking all day, longer than anticipated, missing a dinner engagement, that adventure worth a blog entry of its own (later).. I was feeling very raw and vulnerable, and b/c of the sensitivity and proximity of matters in dealing with family dynamics, I feel I need to obscure the identity of the people involved, and gloss over the details of recent events..
I went to a place that I don’t often go, which is to not only get in touch with the propensity of feeling unloved, and neglected, but also allowing my emotions and raw pains to gush forth, to feel that in its intensity, to show some of that with people present, even my 7-yr old boy, and me being me, wouldn’t have minded letting it out even in public (hey, I’m blogging about it, right?).. what’s not fair is that I have to ‘control’ my feelings, while some other people can let their feelings be on display and in control of various scenarios, and their feelings go unchallenged, b/c if challenged, then one gets accused of being disrepectful or picking a fight, unresolvable conflicts occur, or everybody backs down to their corners and disengage, stay optimistic, smiley, and placate.. all for some slight semblence of outward harmony and shallow & safe conversations, while on the unspoken hidden inside, everyone desires and yearns for deeper engagement and connection..
it’s a crazy world of indirect communication and differing desires that have to be negotiated.. and to get there, or at least one step closer, we have to go through the terribly uncomfortable tunnel of chaos.. life change doesn’t happen thru nice diplomatic dialogue, it takes some high-intensity emotional outbursts and messy vulnerability.. so there you go, I took an emotional risk, put in my card for an opportunity at potential change in the family dynamics, perhaps they’ll take it and run with it.. definitely a more memorable vacation week to have taken 2 opps to risk and be wild, than to hold back and chill and feeling numb from over-relaxing..