i’m waiting for image files

i’m waiting for image files to transfer (pictures for Jeremiah’s 5th birthday [new url]), so had a few thoughts i could jot down here.. amazing that Jeremiah is now 5 years old, time does go by fast, when you look at hindsight.. all these years, since I was a child, I had wanted to grow up, to become an adult, to be ‘respected’ as a peer.. and now i’m about to turn 36 (this summer), and life is near half over (or there abouts, I’m in touch with my mortality; in reality it might be sooner, and that’d be okay by me).

Now more recently, I think about what my personal need (or weakness, I’d be blunt enough to say it’s my personal flaw) is, and it is to be friends with everyone.. the most painful thing for me is to be rejected by someone who doesn’t want to be a friend with me. I know in reality, you can’t be friends with everyone, but boy do I sure try really really hard. I’m pretty sure I don’t give in to people, cave in on my scruples, or be any less than myself, when I try to relate with different people.. I do feel the pain of personal rejection the most deeply. It doesn’t sting as much as it used to in years past, but I know it still stings, and grieves me so when someone is so closed to new friendships. It probably is me, that I have a large capacity for relating that is untypical for many people, and perhaps most unusual for being a guy, and in addition, to be misunderstood by a small percentage of people who cannot get past their first impression of me. This is to say that I don’t have the smiliest of faces, so some people don’t feel I’m friendly and warm.. yet practically anyone who interacts with me beyond the initial small talk can realize in me the friendly philosopher that I am. Hmm, therein lies the key (spontaneous insight, as I type)– getting past the small talk. Some people have to have small talk to warm up to someone else. For that niche market, I’ll need some extra help.

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