Coming Out, sorta, but not really
My previously written testimony (Christian jargon for autobiography, or in the venacular, “sharing my personal history”, aka “what’s my story”) is long overdue for an overhaul. I believe that was written back in 1990, and a lot has happened in my life journey since 14 (wow!) years ago. You might say I’ve been on the move, partly restlessness, partly trying to figure out how to hear my inner voice, aka The Call. Inspired by Raw Faith and The Corner, I’m going to that place for me and invite you to come along for a peek. Just a peek.
I’m not one for convention or protocol, and yet I’ve wound up in a place of profile in certain circles. Parts of it I like, most of it I don’t. The part I don’t is how it impacts what I do here, and that it limits the freedom of speech I would otherwise have to vent and rant and disclose. I do sit on some confidential intel and some potent networking. Some call it a position of leadership. I don’t emote enough when I speak in public, to work the crowd, to exude charisma to win them over. I know I’m not normal. I have a hard time finding conversational partners. Some call me abstract, theoretical, idealistic, progressive, pioneer.
Whatever. I just want to be me: accepted, loved, and enjoy dialogue + conversation. I’m not so concerned about measurable outcomes or impact or my salary or goals or purpose or ambition or accomplishments. Definitely not my title or position. And in the real world, I’m not financially independent (like a blogger I know of), so I have to play by the rules to keep the cash flowing and be responsible with the title and position of influence I have in formal structures and institutions, and to take care of my livelihood and my family’s.
Like Joni having to restrain herself (“Life in the public eye doesn?t allow for moments of discouragement.”), like George W. would have to hold back from ranting (cf. The Onion’s CIA Asks Bush to Discontinue Blog), that’s how it is.
I’ve been to dark places with a noonday demon. I have some real issues with churches and institutions. I have problems with certain people. But, alas, I can’t talk about it here in this public forum. It wouldn’t be appropriate. It’d be “discouraging”. Recently, I removed a past interview on my blog, by request of the interviewee, which was showing up when his name was Googled for, and didn’t want it to be public anymore b/c it might be “misunderstood”. I’ve had to remove other items too.
Now at age 38, once in a while, several times a year, I go to that place within and realize that my deepest personal dream and yearning will never be realized this side of heaven. A part of that is true, a lot of it stinks. Punch me in the stomach why don’t you!
So, what’s left is to make the best of what I can with what I got. Playing with the cards I’m dealt. I got a lot, in the whole scheme of things. For that I am supposed to be grateful. I am. But I’m not going to be superficially smiley-faced about it.