audience of one
after 2 road trips in the past week, by plane to LA for AALC (where I got to meetup w/ fast-talker Anna and others) and by train to Raleigh for TYF, I’ve felt pretty tired and gone to bed early the past 2 nights, but now awoken in the middle of the night, and would rather blog than to toss ‘n turn for 2 hours.. I find my thoughts to be as multi-threaded and multiple windowed as my computer desktop usually is, cluttered with many layers, windows, and buttons to click on.. *click* audience of one — idea perked re: who reads blogs and whether the blogger writes for the readers (thus not revealing anything really personal
for me, I do desire and occasionally do write extremely transparently here, and not as often as I’d like (seeing how some blogger I know aims for daily throughput), nor as transparently as I’d like, now that my profile gets more prominent through more venues.. I’d like to think that I can be my transparent + broken + unedited self in all contexts, even as public a venue as a blog [which can be read around the world by anyone, mind you], and part of my hesitation at aspiring or ascending into more prominent roles of leadership is the limitations / constraints / expectations put onto the leader, that a leader’s words and thoughts can no longer be freely shared and unedited, but rather, has to be more measured and thoughtful, b/c of the impact it has on the masses.. for some of the newer generation, it’s okay to be transparent, and the expectation is for more transparent + vulnerable leaders, but even with them, it’s not a total transparent + vulnerable leader they respect + trust + listen to, it’s one who still has a certain sense of vision or direction or charisma or influence or deconstructionist wit.. (jumping tracks) I had a tough conversation recently that I wish I could blog about, but can’t, partly insider info, won’t impact your portfolio, but might mine.. as one who [almost] always inviting dialogue, I run into a psychosomatic wall when people fail to respond with empathy or engagement, be it a categorical misunderstanding on why I’d have a personal website that reveals data which may be controversial or taboo (but won’t engage in dialogue as to why they feel compelled to shout me down), or when I honestly say I don’t know how to say something and it’s the first time I’ve tried, the unfeeling insensitive response I get is, yeah, I can see that.. ouch..
yeah, I learned this the hard way when I first started leading in my church. I was told point blank by a good friend that I should watch what I say more carefully, becuase people take it differently coming form a leader than from a friend… bummer
Ah, the tightrope… vulnerable vs. weighed words and actions… I was at a Bible study with some of the college folk at my church, and I made some off the cuff remark about something that they were ready to take as like authority… I realized I had to be more careful.
It was great to meet up with you in LA… too bad we don’t live closer so I could do some more “fast-talking” with you and Rachelle (not to mention, discussing Alias!) Ah well… I guess that’s what free long distance on cell phones is for. When I get back in two weeks, I’ll give ya’ll a call and see what’s up. Take care.